Friday, June 18, 2010

Find The New Kenyans A-Gay

I read a rather charming article by Venetia Thompson in last month’s British GQ – the one with the very naked and rudely luscious Rosie Huntington–Whitley wearing a come-hither pout. God that mouth!

Anyway Miss Venetia made some interesting observations in her column. So let me colour in the background first. The Tories as we now know are a UK political party also know as the Conservatives and are led by David Cameron, a young, dexterous and somewhat handsome (I lie) man. They are the rough equivalent of American Republicans in the sense that they hate immigrants. But who doesn’t? Also common with the Republicans is their presumed aversion to all things queer, tax on the rich and ethnic minorities. But the Tories won their election and here’s how.

Miss Venetia had been invited to a dinner party (in pre-election London) in which everyone or at least almost everyone was a Tory and Gay, and here’s the best part they were all in their mid twenties to early thirties. They were all young, eloquent, well dressed, handsome and chiselled; the sleek, elite well choreographed (pardon the pun) political machine that’s drove the Tory party to victory and here’s the real kicker; everyone wants to be gay just to join them. Like high school but with of irony (on the side of course).

This is all well and good for the English but what about us mere mortals in Third World obscurity? Well for one thing I completely see where these new gay Tories are coming from. They don’t do “identity politics”; leave that to Harvey Milk, they find the gay rights movement “embarrassing” and they’d sooner be caught dead than be spotted at a Pride march because they are British men first who happen who see a problem with their country but who also happen to be gay and don’t see the point of parading this. Two things therefore stood out for me. The first is identity. The second is the importance of being gay.

As a confessed conservative and for the last time gay conservative is not an oxymoron, I sometimes feel disillusioned with Nairobi’s queer society. It’s petty and vain, loud and stereotypical, godless and immoral, disease ridden and promiscuous. This depravity is sometimes confused with progress but if it is progress then it’s in the wrong direction. Obviously not everyone will agree with me but I feel that there needs to be a time and soon when the two spheres of Nairobi society merge to a cohesive whole. Government legislation is a long way off unless we style up and focus on what’s important. Getting the right people in the right places is and so is creating a good image for ourselves, a tell all spread in Pulse is not. Are there gay men and women in positions of power? The conventional Kenyan would say nay, but we know better; there are lots of them but they’re all from a different age. Is there anyone to take over from them? Who knows? The Modern Young Gay like their straight contemporary would rather indulge in week long alcohol binges, recreational drugs and precarious sexual exploits with a stick of lip whatever in one hand, a dwindling bank balance in the other and swinging a fake designer man purse from his dick all the while claiming he’s all for the fucking gay rights even though he doesn't know what the fuck he’s talking about because he does not watch politics (and his brain is full of jizz) but he had his mohawk redone so it all works out in the end. Everyone’s happy because everything is the same.

But then what’s the point? Personally I’m not a fun of gay rights. I thought I was but I’m not. Human rights sure but are gay rights that important. The answer is no - because there are bigger problems to contend with. To begin with we live in a failed state yet nobody takes up arms over it, poverty is widespread, so is malnutrition. Education system is so bad we churn out airhead little shits with mowhaks who don’t know their head from their ass. Then there is the corruption that is so deeply ingrained in us and not just the government but every single one of us that it would require an act of god to reverse this moral degeneration and of then someone inevitably shouts tribalism; factor in an election in two years and we are simply fucked!

But what about the gays? What of them? Gays need rights, of course they do. So do refugees, women, children, whites, blacks and soon, men. But not now. There are simply bigger things to worry about, like the economy or William Ruto. If the gays want to bring about change then they must smarten up, literary. Become the sharpest, handsomest damn near perfect tit in the office and see real power. Do that collectively and watch the straight world turn and gape. Then they’ll want to join us. Then we can say no. Like in High school.

Obviously I went into a pretty long rant but I’m tired of the stereotypes, and immorality. Take off your sisters jeans, put down that darn mascara maybe it sounds like we’re going back in time but maybe some modesty would help our image immensely and like everyone else do the job of nation building and not whinging. It’s in the damn constitution, read it!

We are all Kenyans, first. Everything else is second. While you’re at it setup a genuine political party. We haven’t had one in a long time.


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