I consider myself a sorta OK looking chap and therefore it is not shocking when I occasionally (and very rarely indeed) get approached by nice girls. Usually my apparent lack of action (SHUT UP AND STRIP!) leads them to wander off exactly as they came in and peruse other men who will hopefully make the shut up and strip. This was true until I met (oh, let me see now) Toni (with an I). She was a pretty girl with a crush on me. Something Ihoped would wear off over time. It didn't. We had several mutual friends which meant we always me, usually in a less than ideal situation (me drunk at Bacchus, me drunk at Qs or her drunk at Galileos) one thing usually led to another and we would end up conducting oral examinations.
Kissing a girl is for a more a kind of perverse clinical exercise, it's exiting in a way I know is wrong but irresistible nonetheless. For her of course it was confirmation of my love for her (and she did love me). My friends were not impressed with my behaviour and the accused me of leading her on. Tamaku and Sinai Siaf are two people who have written extensively about this. I liked this girl but not in a way that wold ever satisfy her.
So one day, or rather late one night after several beers I told her that I like men. In the dimness of the bar I saw sadness cross her face. She was a good sport and took it in her stride with flinching or resorting to violence (or heaven forbid, tears). Again she said she loved me. I told her I knew. She said she would never meet someone like me and I said of course she will, she's young, pretty and smart. I also told that she was special and we agreed to say friends.
Coming out to Toni was the hardest one I'd done, and I'm out to a lot of people. The emotions involved had forced me to postpone telling her so as to protect her feelings, her pride and her honour. I destroyed that in one go, and it made me very sad. At the end of the day it was either me or her, she deserved to know the truth but I told her for my own selfish reasons rather that anything else. I did the right thing but at what cost?
We don't talk anymore and sometimes I think it's for the best. She'll come around one day...
Toni sometimes reminds me of Esparanza: beautiful, talented and bootlylicous.
I'm very grateful for all the insights that I get from all the queer blogs I follow. The made it possible for young guys like me to live out and proud. I want to thank all of you wherever you are for helping us live in TRUTH - a luxury very few of us can afford.
