Sunday, April 17, 2011

If You Can't Fix It Then You Got to Stand It.

The title of this post comes from E. Annie Proulx's seminal short story Brokeback Mountain. It's a beautiful story and mighty heart breaking which I may review/ discuss at some later stage. But for now I want to talk about something else.

So I've been having an interesting couple of months. I figured I'm to damn old to be hiding in any kind of closet so I've been systematically coming out to people who I feel are important in my life. Frankly it's exhausting stuff and I'm half tempted to print up a t-shirt whit the phrase 'GOD MADE ME GAY, GET OVER IT!' written in glitter. Everyone has taken the news better than expected,some are shocked and to many I am the first gay person they know. I'm not yet at the point where I can say I'm openly gay but I think I want to get to that point. The question is then what?

Sometimes I question whether or not I'm gay. Sure I like guys, I like hooking up with them but I never had a legitimate gay relationship. I never had a boyfriend, meanwhile some of my friends are usually 'between relationships' I've never gotten to the point where I can honestly say I like someone. But I digress.

Growing up I was always a nervous and shy boy. A habit I am yet to outgrow. So the other day I was at a little soiree with lots of gay men, and even though I was with a bunch of people of my own kind I felt tense and nervous like it was my first day at school, like everyone was silently judging me even though they probably weren't. The truth is many of the people there were out and proud human beings. I felt like a fraud, a poser someone who didn't belong with people who were so obviously comfortable in their own skin. I honestly admire people like them even though every other profile on GAYDAR reads 'NO FEMS' these fems are some of the bravest and genuine people I've ever met. And that's something I have to fix, my self-confidence, maybe I'll get laid one of these days...

In Brokeback mountain the character of Enis Del Mar was left with regrets and memories after the death of the man he loved. That's something he couldn't fix cause the past cannot be undone. They lived in a different time and place and all he can do is accept things as they happened. I however can fix things or rather fix myself. I don't know how yet but we'll see. I want to live as honestly as possible but that is not enough, I'd also like to share my life with someone, I feel I should but I'm afraid of man things the least of them is being found out by my family, the greater one being that I don't want my potential boyfriend partner or whatever finding out what a fraud of a person I am as if there is a kind of perverse romaticsm to being single... Self-confidence right?


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